Sometimes people seek therapy with the hope of quickly overcoming the difficulties they are facing in their lives. They may see their reactions to certain people and situations as illogical, and believe they just need to learn ways to think ‘rationally’. It can also be difficult for people to have acceptance of the difficulties they are having in their lives because of judgement they place upon themselves.
Let’s imagine that someone becomes very upset when a friend doesn’t call them back as they said they would. They may judge themselves negatively for their reaction, because they know that life is not predictable. They know that their friend failing to call them does not equate to that friend not caring. But the initial upset is not simply an irrational response to the situation. It may be that that they experienced being let down many times as a child by one or both parents, or they may have experienced much unpredictability in their life at a time when they needed stability. When we have gone through painful experiences that we haven’t processed and come to a degree of acceptance with, we can be triggered to react in similar ways later in life, even when the threat of being hurt in the same way is not there.
Toxic Shame
The negative judgment we can feel towards ourselves can cause us to internalise a sense of shame. This is sometimes referred to as toxic shame. It is the sense of feeling worthless and flawed as a person. Instead of being able to learn from our mistakes or seeing that some parts of ourselves may be more likeable than others, we see ourselves as inherently bad. Such a feeling can be disabling. With a lack of self-worth, people can feel they don’t deserve caring relationships or meaningful experiences in their lives. This can lead to self-harm and even suicidal behaviour.
Toxic shame can affect us at different levels. In my practice, I have seen clients who have generally felt content with who they are and with their lives, but who would be triggered into strong self-doubt and self-criticism in certain situations (a shame spiral). Shame is not obvious to many people. It can be powerful for people to recognise that painful experiences they have gone through have left them with a pervasive sense of shame at times that has coloured how they view themselves and impacted their relationships.
The Shadow
Shadow is a term coined by the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung to describe parts of the self that one has unconsciously attempted to discard. When we are babies, we do not have a sense of what is socially acceptable, but as we grow up, we learn to value some parts of ourselves more than others. Significant people in our lives, such as our family of origin, as well as the culture we live in will impact how we see the different parts of ourselves. Anger could be an example of this. If our primary caregiver was unable to cope with our anger because it frightened them, we will have learnt that it wasn’t safe to express it. Over time, we may see this part of ourselves as unacceptable and it goes into shadow, where it is no longer conscious and takes on a somewhat autonomous way of being. We might become people-pleasing most of the time, as any potential irritation or anger will be seen as unsafe. Because it doesn’t disappear but is not conscious, it can take on a life of its own. The person suppressing anger may become passive-aggressive, or even fly into a fit of rage one day and become verbally or physically abusive.
The aspects of us that go into shadow can also be beautiful parts of ourselves. This is sometimes referred to as the gold in the shadow. Creativity that at one time didn’t feel safe to explore could be an example of this.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can be a way of helping people to make links between some of their past experiences and unhelpful patterns of relating and behaviour they are experiencing in their lives today. Through therapy, self-awareness and self-understanding can increase, and people can begin to feel a sense of kindness and compassion towards themselves, as well as learn different ways of relating that may serve them better in their lives. It can also help people to reclaim parts of themselves and gain more of a sense of wholeness and purpose in their lives.
If you would like professional support from Karlene Golding, or any of our other private therapists, please call our reception team on 020 3820 7275 or email [email protected]. Sessions are available seven days a week at our centres in Clapham and Tooting.
