I am going to kill myself. I have complex PTSD and depression from a series of relationship breakdowns. I am on medication and seeing a private therapist but no one understands the pain I am in. I have reached out to everyone. I feel like I have hit rock bottom, and everyone in my life knows I am suicidal but they just don’t care. Leigh
I am so sorry to hear how much pain you are in and how you are feeling. I think you should call an ambulance or go straight to A&E, or call the Samaritans on: 116 123 or email them at email@example.com.
I would also advise that you call or message your therapist so she knows what you are going through right now, and you can make a crisis plan with her and work out how you can keep yourself safe. And it would be a good idea to make an appointment to see your GP for a medication review as soon as you can.
Having suicidal thoughts is very frightening and can make you feel confused, scared and very isolated. Quite a lot of people experience thoughts about not being here any more or of killing themselves, but your feelings are unique to you. No one experiences suicidal thoughts in the same way. Perhaps the most difficult thing about having these thoughts is the feeling that people can’t or don’t understand or care. But it is important to talk to someone about how you are feeling, so that they can understand and you can feel cared for.
You have said that you have gone through a lot of break ups so it is understandable that you feel that you can never be happy or feel hope again. Also, at this time of year, it can feel as if you’re surrounded by happy couples and families who just go about being shiny and happy, and do not understand or care about you. This can make you feel even more alone and isolated, and there is no way of predicting how long you will have these feelings, because, again, it is different for everyone, but with support, and by helping yourself (which may include going to A&E where they will be able to keep you safe). You can go on to work out how to stop feeling like this.
You say that people know you are suicidal and just don’t care. But it might be that they feel uncomfortable talking to you about your suicidal feelings; or think that it might make you uncomfortable to be asked about them. They don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. To you, their silence feels so cruel and dismissive as if they just don’t care, but it might actually be awkwardness. So, if you can, open up to them and tell them that you want them to listen to how you feel.
The most important thing is to know that you do not have to be alone at this painful time, and that you deserve support. Mostly people are happy to give that support and would be horrified at the idea that you had felt they didn’t care about you or what you did.