When Valentine’s Day comes around, it can be an opportunity for couples to express their love for each other with big gestures, kind words, and a romantic night out. Yet happy couples know that sustaining a strong, loving relationship is about more than celebrating once a year with a meal, flowers and hearts on a card. They know a partnership takes patience, commitment and compromise for it to go the distance.
From our work in couples counselling, we have identified six habits that happy couples have embedded in their everyday lives. Habits are behaviours that can take a while to stick, but consciously choosing healthier and more loving ways to behave can take a relationship from strength to strength.
1. Take time to truly listen
Communication – or lack of it – is the number one reason why partners come for couples counselling. Relationships can break down because of poor communication. This can be when one partner refuses to hear the other’s point of view, talks over the other, or gives the silent treatment. Even taking five minutes a day to hear what your partner has to say – and truly listening, rather than waiting impatiently to say your bit – can help them to feel loved and understood.
2. Don’t bear grudges
There is nothing worse than a partner dragging up something from the past and lobbing it into a current discussion or argument. Where did that come from? Why didn’t they say something at the time? Letting things fester can cast a dark cloud of resentment over a relationship. Difficult though it may be, it is far better to deal with an issue, a stressor or an upsetting situation at the time it happens. Look at what’s been triggered. Discuss what happened. Learn from it and let the resentment go.
3. Be interested
Relationships can break down when one partner simply stops being interested in what the other person says, does and thinks. Taking your partner for granted, or slipping into a dull routine, can cause a long, slow demise of a partnership. Continuing to be curious about your partner and trying new things together can keep the love alive. Regular ‘date nights’ give you the opportunity to take time out from the daily grind and to recapture what made you fall in love in the first place. Don’t let that feeling disappear through lack of interest or care.
4. Take personal responsibility
Your partner isn’t responsible for your happiness. You are. Expecting your partner to fulfil your every need is a gateway to disappointment. If you fall out over something, it’s important not to blame or shame your partner. Look at your part in what has happened and take responsibility for it. Take the initiative and be active in the relationship rather than leaning back and expecting the other to do all the work.
5. Don’t live in each other’s pockets
In the beginning of a relationship, when love is growing, it can be tempting to spend all your time with your partner. This is natural in the ‘honeymoon phase’, but several months down the line it may not be healthy for the relationship to spend every waking second together. Keeping your own interests, hobbies and activities is vital for your own growth and independence, which can boost the wellbeing of your relationship.
6. Show daily gestures of affection
Happy couples don’t leave their partner in any doubt that they are loved. How they show this depends on the type of relationship they have. Hugs, kisses, texts, phone calls, loving words – they do whatever it takes to let their partner know they value them. Keeping an open heart and sharing everyday joys and challenges are the cornerstones of a happy relationship.
If you feel that your relationship isn’t as happy as you would like it to be, and believe you could benefit from introducing some positive habits into your lives, then couples counselling can help. To make an appointment with one of our couples counsellors, call 020 8673 4545 or email [email protected]
