Do you find yourself being incredibly hard on yourself? Do you secretly want revenge on people who have slighted you – but you hold onto resentment instead of doing anything about it? Or do you work relentlessly, to the point of exhaustion? These behaviours are typical masochistic traits within the personality. By masochistic we don’t mean sexual sadomasochism (where one is dominant, the other submissive). From a psychological perspective, the self-defeating behaviours that a masochist endures are often done by the self to the self. In other words, masochists inflict pain and humiliation on themselves.
Understanding the origins of a masochistic personality structure
The masochistic personality structure is also called the ‘self-defeating personality’. The roots of this personality structure come from a ‘battle of will’ between the developing child and over-controlling parents.
Parents seek to retain control at all costs. They require obedience and compliance at all times. There is no room for the child to express his own opinions and needs. Love is conditional on being good. Taken to extremes, parents may abuse, chastise and humiliate the child, threatening to abandon or punish if the child does not toe the line.
Growing up like this can have a profound impact. Children can hold onto their hurts, wishing to get back at their parents but lacking the power to do so. Any attempts at revenge are done furtively or passive aggressively. The intrusive or critical behaviour of parents can become the internal voice of a bullying inner critic. Masochists as adults can also become incredibly compliant, losing touch with their creativity, and choosing jobs that are demanding but dull.
Masochistic personality traits
Here we identify the typical traits of a masochistic personality, which you may recognise in yourself or others:
- You work to the point of exhaustion, just to meet your targets. This is abusive to the self, as you push yourself to your limits and beyond.
- You feel humiliated inside – you’re the same as everyone else, remember – but you take extra steps never to show others how you really feel.
- You feel unloved in the world: you always had to work that extra bit harder to be accepted by those around you, and that was never enough.
- Your inner critic attacks everything you do, pushing you to further extremes to prove your worth.
- Your body may be solid, symbolising your defences to the abuse or intrusiveness you experienced in childhood.
- You find it impossible to say no or to assert yourself. You instead try to please but are shaking with resentment inside.
- You complain about your lot in life but never do anything about it, even refusing attempts to help you.
- You may be attracted to abusive relationships where you continue to be humiliated and shamed. Enduring this pain, and not showing that it hurts, is the masochist’s way of maintaining some sense of pride in the self.
- You feel trapped in endless cycles of self-defeat. It’s impossible to enjoy pleasure without guilt or shame accompanying it. You feel hopeless about the future.
How to help yourself if you have masochistic personality traits
Find a therapist. Therapy can help you understand the patterns from your past that may be self-defeating and destructive. Through that awareness of your past you can begin to make conscious choices in your present by becoming aware of your triggers.
Manage your anxiety. It can be terrifying when you start to make changes in your life. After a lifetime of not taking risks, anxiety can kick in when you start to do something for you. A therapist can help with strategies for your anxiety, as well as offering a safe space where you’re not going to be punished for speaking your truth.
Tackle your inner critic. What does it want? When does it get triggered? Whose voice is it? Understanding your inner critic can be the first step to managing it and stopping it ruining your life.
Take personal responsibility. You can take charge of your emotions and feelings and actions without blaming other people for them. That includes getting in touch with your anger about what happened to you as a child and finding constructive ways to express it. Again, your therapist can help you find a way.
Grieve for your past. You may feel sad for the love you never had from your parents in childhood, and perhaps never will have. Working through childhood wounds and allowing them to heal is incredibly painful work. But, with the support of a therapist, grieving your past can free you to live a life of your own choosing.
For confidential advice and support, and to discuss booking an appointment with one of our therapists, please call 020 8673 4545 or email [email protected]
Am an masochistic and it didn’t help to go to a therapist…
Hi Dipdip. Sorry to hear that. Finding the right therapist is much like finding the right relationship. It may not have been right time, right place for you. If you’re ready to try again then let us know. Best wishes, Karen
this really resonated w/ me. i have had an abusive family, especially a narcissistic mother who totally rejected me….a parent like that conditions u to expecting negative things to happen to u since they were the ones primarily causing it, and they also called it "love" which is even worse….so its like i expected bad things, identified w/ it and am comfortable in negative situations. all i do is self-sabotage….
even my mom told me once that i must be a masochist (mind u it was mostly her fault i became that way)
i now have scabies and am working to get rid of it but just today i kind of felt like it wanted it? like it gives me something to do and gives me attention in a way? im not entirely sure but i dont think i will get rid of this until i can integrate all that past trauma and conditioning….thanks for the article it was helpful
Thank you for taking the time to read our article and share your comments. We’re pleased to hear our post was helpful to you. We agree that early conditioning can have such a deep effect on how we feel about ourselves today. Self-awareness can be the first step towards healing our childhood wounds. We hope you continue to process and integrate your early conditioning on your journey to becoming whole.
I can reasonate with your reply….a lot of what you indicated was like I was writing it about me, which is why I felt the need to introduce you to something that I am researching now. You may want to look into EMDR therapy. It is has been out since the 80’s, however has just became extremely popular. At first it was only looked at to assist with PTSD…..however, it has been proven to help with depression, grief, anxiety, addictions, etc. It cant hurt to do some research! 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to read our post on masochistic personality and to offer your comments in response. Good to hear that our post resonated with you. It can often help to recognise that we’re not alone in how we might be feeling. Thanks also for your note about EMDR therapy. We agree that it can provide support and relief for people with a wide range of symptoms. As with all therapy, it’s about researching the one that feels right for you.
Wishing you well.
Dear Karen, how are you doing today? I don’t know if I am a masochist or not. I grew up in the village under illiterates mother, she struggled to send me to school and I grew up finished my first grade. I worked very hard, but I have remained unmarried. Men only cheat me, nobody appreciates me. Nobody has ever told me I love you, or take out for a date or even give me a give me a gift. They borrow money from me to pay me back becomes a problem. They want to assist me in buying property they will dupe me, it becomes story story story. I have lived my life without a friend. God bless you.
Hello Dorothy. Thank you for getting in touch on our blog pages. Only a psychiatrist will be able to diagnose if you have a masochistic personality. You may want to reach out to your GP in the first instance. I guess I’m wondering why you do all the giving and you let other people do the taking. If you’re looking for a next step then it may be to think about the kind of boundaries you can set for yourself and others. Wishing you well.
Im a Masochist so im not gonna do anything to help me from this article
Hi Nick. Fair point. A masochist has to reach a point when the old coping strategies aren’t working and they feel compelled to try something else. Wishing you well. Karen
I took therapy as well, and very reluctantly at first. It didn’t help. I just don’t want to end up like my dad. I’ve had such a realization recently: that all my life I’ve had to work so hard to make my dad proud, or at least not chastise me or think badly of me. Like I had to work for his ‘love’, which turned into my own love for myself. I am strong, but I’ve always thought of myself as too weak and was constantly trying to improve myself, for my dad. And I so dearly don’t want that for my child. I want him/her to be healthy and love him/herself, and know that I will love them unconditionally. Any thoughts?
Thank you very much for your message. Starting therapy is, in some ways, a big step and a very brave thing to do. It is hard to recognise that you might need some help with something and, perhaps, even harder to actually ask for that help. So we are sorry to hear that you didn’t feel that the therapy you had was of any help. However, you go on to say very clearly and articulately that you have recognised some patterns of behaviour in your life that you would like to change.
Becoming a parent is a very special time and one in which many things come into sharper focus such as not wanting to repeat patterns of behaviour from generation to generation. So it feels to us that you are now in a very good place to start therapy again as you have very goals and would be able to focus the work on your relational issues.
Is it bad to be a masochist? I often find myself enjoying pain like bruising a knee, scraping up my knuckles, getting punched, or working myself until I can’t work anymore. So sometimes I cause myself that kind of pain. But I don’t like pain that could have permanent side effects, so I avoid it. If there are no long term physical detriments is it bad?
Thanks for taking time to read our post and comment on it. In life we’re mostly programmed to move away from pain and towards pleasure. For others it’s more complex than that. It may be worth considering how it serves you to hurt yourself. What feeling is it helping you access – or avoid?
If the pain you inflict on yourself is beginning to affect you physically and mentally then you may want to re-consider seeking some professional support.
It’s obviously bad being a masochist.
You might think it’s good but that’s your ego talking, your fake persona.
Nobody actually enjoys pain, the masochist only thinks he does.
This could be due to some sort of strong sense of guilt usually built from past events.
You feel like you need to suffer or that you deserve it.
Another reason might be that you are trying to mask some emotions that might seem dangereous to express and you have buried within so you use pain to feel alive again.
Whatever the case may be, this is pathological, and must stop.
Look into whatever is causing you to behave this way and find a way to end it, for your own sake.
I know that’s easier said than done but it’s better to tackle it now than continue into a lifetime of suffering. Hope this helps.
let people enjoy what they’re into sexually. yes, most of it is pathological, but in those cases, they’re used to it and are consenting. in cases that aren’t pathological, (mine), its just what you’re naturally into. masochism isn’t in any way bad or harmful unless the giver is masking that they’re really abusive with the idea of masochism. and yes, unfortunately that does happen a lot. people have the idea that masochism is abuse and is unhealthy. it isn’t. it’s only abuse if its non-consensual. and its only unhealthy if its one-sided. not everyone is a masochist because of trauma. it’s a kink, not a lifestyle.
Hello. Thank you for your comments clarifying your perspective on sexual masochism. Our blog post aimed to give a summary of masochistic personality disorder, rather than a discussion of the sexual connotations. Best wishes.
Hello Piplup. It sounds as though you’re beginning to ask yourself some questions about your behaviours and whether they are helping or hindering you. Only you can decide if this is helping you cope with life, or if it’s harming you. If you’re concerned then we suggest you reach out for professional support.
I feel like this a bit but I don’t have anything wrong with my family so idk
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on our blog post.There can be lots of reasons why people develop masochistic personality traits, and it’s not always to do with the family itself. It may be how you’ve responded to various challenges in your life. It’s only when masochistic behaviours begin to affect your life drastically that you may want to seek outside support.
Hello Aishwarya. Thanks for commenting on our post, which seemed to offer some relatable points for you. The first step towards making changes in our lives is to recognise the behaviours that are no longer serving us. It sounds as though there’s a part of you that wants to change, and another part that drags you back (which is often a masochistic trait). The next step in making changes is to put down boundaries that protect you from further maltreatment. That may be challenging for you, and so talking to a therapist may help you with further steps if you’re intent on making changes. If you call 020 8673 4545 then our team will be able to help you. We have sessions at low cost seven days a week. We wish you well in finding the support you need.
I realised I’m a masochist and this article confirmed it for me. I’m thankful that I understood what my problem is. My parents were and still are very controlling, I feel anxious and suffocated all the time and I end up doing something I regret and take pleasure in it. I try to stay away from them by living in a hostel but I still need them till I can complete my education and start earning. The completion of my education is taking longer than I anticipated and I feel like I’m running out of time to be young and happy. I found an alternative to my parents in a guy who plays games, mistreats me, hurts me and even though I understand what is wrong I want all of that. I don’t understand how to overcome this. Please help me I’m so tired of this life I’m choosing to live.
For me, I love pain and pushing myself to where I feel like I am going to die in everything I do because it reminds me and makes me feel like I am still alive. Is this a bad thing?
Hello Mira. We can’t say if something is good or bad, but are you putting yourself at risk with the things you do? What does pushing yourself like this give to you – and can you achieve those same feelings in other less extreme ways? If you’re concerned then you may want to seek professional support through therapy.
I’m curious, I like being abused by only one person which is my girlfriend is that considered masochism?
Masochistic personality traits are generally self-defeating behaviours, and when you’re being consistently hard on yourself – rather than a relationship dynamic where one is dominant and the other is submissive. If the dynamic in your relationship is leading you to you to feel uncomfortable or hurt, you may start to question why you’re in it and to take steps to leave it. Only you can know what is right for you just now.
So I just read the blog and it literally feels like my whole life is being decrypted before my eyes… lm partly pissed that my parents made it tremendously easy for a blogger to read into my whole personal feelings and thoughts. I can’t say im happy to read this but it’s good to know… change in me will Most likely not happen since im used to living like this, plus it has its own perks…
I cannot deny the fact that I always felt overpowered by my parents. Im the first born so they pushed most of their expectations onto my shoulders. Me, being the good son, accepted that role whole-heartedly even though I didn’t like it…. it has been a hell of work keeping in my emotions from friends and family while delivering Perfect test scores to daddy’s desk. .. I was satisfied with the work though it had some psychological side effects (eg; feeling of loneliness due to lack of social validification)
Honestly… i got over this already because i knew that i was the one who decided to carry their billshit in the first place (even though I was a weak willed child when it happened). …I take full responsibility.. however, Im dissatisfied with the fact that some of my characteristics are listed as those of a masochist. So right now, I want to know how to eliminate the disadvantages of being a masochist while keeping some of the advantages (such as die hard determination of being a perfectionist) .. Will you help me Ms Karen?
Thanks for your comments on our blog post. It sounds as though you’ve been able to identify with some of the traits of a masochistic personality. If you want to know more, you may want to check out the DSM-5, which is the manual psychiatrists use to diagnose patients with mental health conditions.
And you may want to consider speaking to a therapist about how the upsides and downsides of having a masochistic personality are manifesting in you – and to identify any changes you’d like to make over time.
ARE YOU ME?OH MY GOD
I realized that best thing is to talk to therapist but I don’t want to help it , the idea of problem being fixed doesn’t uhh “suit” for me? Yeah so I have no idea
Thanks for your comments on our post. If how you feel and behave isn’t troubling you then therapy may not be an option for you right now. Not that therapy can ever offer a ‘fix’, but it can help you find a new perspective. Only when you’re ready, of course.
My parents separated And I was left with my mom and my mother was extremely cruel towards me she would become very verbally abusive and and would even become physically violent and would threaten to crucify my face as I got older I rebelled against her and just simply stopped staying home at the age of 15.she would drive around looking for me trying to get me to come home but living with her was too unbearable that I would just always runaway, as I got older I got into a relationship with someone I fell deeply in love with as years passed I would fantasize about my girlfriend having sex with other men and it would drive me crazy and make me sexually aroused at the same time the fantasy would get more intense that I told my girl friend about that things I fantasized about and at first she was put off by it and than eventually as the relationship went on we began to invite men into our bedroom this went on for 7 years and I don’t think that she really enjoyed it and it made me feel worse about it as I got older now I’m in my 30s and I just want to rid my self of these thoughts I realize that this wrong I know longer enjoy it but the thoughts do still come and it affects my whole life in a very negative way
It sounds as though you have internalised some negative messages about yourself from how you were parented. These beliefs about yourself seem to be acting out in ways that are no longer serving you. Given your background, you may wish to consider entering open-ended therapy to help you explore your past and separate from those negative internal beliefs.
I feel like you totally dissected my subconscious. I was mentally and physically abused by a narcissistic father, and my mother stood by and watched. She would even chime in at times and mentally attack me. My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve had a pair of wolves as parents. They attack the weak one in the pack. But as I grew older, I became filled with rage. I pushed back to the point of almost ruining my life. Around 30 I became enlightened and realized my own subconscious. I’m now 37 and I struggle. But I’ve become a lone Alpha wolf. My skin is thick and I use my intelligence to counteract opposition. And that has made me even more despised. But I know I have a good heart and I will not be succumb to anymore guilt. I too have dealt with desires of inviting someone to my significant other’s. But I never allowed that to happen thankfully. But I have been through three marriages and now I’m alone at 37. And I’m ok with that. I do see a therapist but I had already worked through this by the time I started getting help. The best advice I can give people like us is; never submit to failure and never lose your principles. Even though our moral compass it’s defective, stay true to yourself and carry on.
Thank you for sharing your advice based on your personal experiences. Knowing you have a good heart – and speaking your truth – can be empowering. Protecting yourself also sounds important for your interactions with your loved ones.
We wish you well as you work on staying true to yourself.
Hmm… I’m not sure I have a masochistic personality. The thing that concerns me is that I tend to conflate fear and arousal, often enjoying choking, being tied up, etc. As much as I enjoy it, I don’t want to get carried away and hurt myself as I have self-harming tendencies.
Hello Mars. Thanks for reading our blog post and sharing your comments. For a masochistic personality to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist you would need to exhibit the list of behaviours mentioned in our blog – but it would be a psychiatrist’s judgement as to whether you have a disorder. It sounds as though you have self-awareness around the limits for you of what is tolerable and bearable. If you feel this is getting out of hand then do contact a professional for support.
I don’t really know if I’m a masochist, I just force myself to see and feel scary/ disgusting things, I broke up with my gf even though I was really happy with her, I’m not hanging out with my friends anymore and I have social anxiety.. I always try to push my anxiety to the “edge” to see what will happen to me and I’m still talking with people who give me this “I just wanna talk about myself and I don’t care what you feel” feeling, is it possible that I’m actually a masochist?
Hello. Thanks for your comments. It may be worth asking yourself how it serves you to push your anxiety to the edge and to ‘force’ yourself to see and feel scary and disgusting things. And it sounds as though you’re pushing people away (girlfriend, friends). It may help to explore this with a therapist as to why this might be happening for you right now.
I harm myself in ways that could kill me. I sometimes take an overdose of pills and it affected my health. the problem is that my family just doesn’t understand what’s going on with me, I also never did understand. my mother scolds at me all the time and my aunt’s say nasty things to me. everytime this happens I just lock myself in my room and I do things that harm me, honestly this has started to become a pleasure doing thing somehow. this has really affected my health and I need help cause I honestly can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m at the urge of losing my life. I’m still way to young and I think I’m suffering from this. I can’t get away from my family so I guess this is going to continue happening. I really need help cause I’m still in highschool and I’m suffering
Hello Lalitha. It sounds as though you are going through a really tough time and you’re turning to unhealthy ways of relieving the emotional pain. If you need help then please reach out to your GP or to a support service such as the Samaritans (call 116 123 in the UK). You don’t need to go through this alone.
I realized im an emotional masochist I didn’t notice that at first
Thank you for reading our article and commenting. Having some self-awareness can be the first step to making changes and looking after ourselves more.
Hi, I don’t know if its masochism, but I like watching other people suffer. The weird thing is I hurt people, then start to cry uncontrollably, repeating “I’m sorry” over and over again. I’m scared, because I don’t wanna be a masochist! Plus.. my parents don’t know. If they find out I’m scared they will call me a demon or heartless…and I’m afraid that they’ll think I’m.. Insane. please help me and tell me if I really AM a masochist. Thanks.. I guess.
Hello Aurora Marie. Thanks for posting your comments. If you are concerned about your behaviours then can we suggest that you make an appointment to see your GP. Googling symptoms can sometimes leave you feeling more confused. Only a psychiatrist will be able to diagnose you.
I don’t know if this is necessarily considered masochism per day but… for some odd reason I like burning myself. Putting my finger in a candle or running really hot water over my hands without any reaction. It’s like I don’t mind the pain. But it’s only burning I get this. I stub my toe, I’m on t he ground. I bite my lip, I whine about it a bit and move on. Burning is the only thing I do intentionally. Is that like a sub culture of masochism or the fact that I love fire. I’m not sure about any of it.
Hi Olivea. Only a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose you with a masochistic personality disorder, so if you’re concerned then do seek support and/or referral to a mental health team. What you describe sounds like a form of self-injury. If this is becoming a problem for you then we recommend you seek professional help.
Damn I just stumbled upon this while looking for Cptsd treatments and this actually really fits what I’m going through, I’ve escaped from a narcissistic mother who drugged me up for years illegally so I couldn’t leave about and a year and a half ago I got out with my father who came to my rescue otherwise I may have been dead, then had to deal with an unstable borderline stepmother so I worked my ass off for an apartment, My dad is chill but he doesn’t have the know-how to help me emotionally and mentally then all of a sudden my mom started taking money from my bank account after texting my dad apologizing for all her wrongdoings which I call bs on. I’ve always been the favorite child but I could always tell the love was fake and I always had to fix everyone else’s issues which in turn I had to take mental breaks constantly under the loads of stress I was under, I think I’m getting better at handling stuff now but I have noticed a lot of my themes in my game I’m working on reflect a lot of my mental issues which I guess is an outlet of sorts, and I’m also afraid I may never be able to escape from my past due to my dad still supporting my mom and running his company so doesn’t have the time to fight another legal battle, I have been trying my best to distance myself but she keeps finding ways back in, Most people I tell about this are in complete and utter shock about her since the facade she puts off is pretty strong. Sorry for the life story but this really resonates with the hell I’m constantly trying to escape from, any help would be greatly appreciated!
We’re pleased to hear our blog post resonated with you. There are a lot of underlying issues you’ve been dealing with for some time. If you’re ready to reflect on your mental health issues then do reach out for professional support. A psychotherapist who works with the impact of childhood on how you feel today may be able to help you.
Is it that bad if you don’t solve your masochist problems?
Hi Liviu. If you’re asking if something is bad, then you might be looking outside yourself for answers. Try instead to look within and work out whether what you’re going through feels too much for you. If your behaviours are inhibiting or sabotaging your life, then you may want to start addressing them. If overall you feel fine then you won’t need to. But check within to ascertain whether your ‘masochist problems’ are overwhelming you.
I’m 38 years old both parents died when I was under the age of 14 I have intense violent rapeing on myself and never ending depression I’m also violent and have two addictions I’ve lost everything I’m alone and slipping further into madness
Thank you for stopping by to comment on our blog post. It sounds as though the support you need goes beyond what we can offer in a reply to your comments. If you are struggling with your losses, and want to work on changing behaviours that are hindering rather than helping you, then we suggest that you contact a therapist asap. There are also crisis services out there (such as Samaritans) that offer immediate support.
I am very sad reading this. My ex husband was a masochist. I wish I could have given him to read. Not sure would have done any good as our marriage counselor told him you need to deal with your past to move on. He said he refused because he didn’t want to live through the pain.
So here we are. I was devastated, but you can’t fix people ( that was my mistake.) I thought if I gave him all my love I could. But people have to do it themselves. Sadly sometimes they refuse. And end up destroying relationships and end up feeling abandoned. Which is what happened in his childhood. I don’t want anything emailed to me. Please ignore my email.
Dear Liz. Thank you for letting us have your comments on our post. Realising what has happened to us can understandably bring up feelings of sadness. It’s also sad to know that we can never change others – even when we desperately want them to change. We can only change our own responses to things. Do reach out if you feel you need therapeutic support at this painful time.
This article is very informative. I’m going to print it out. My current therapist tell me that my personality is masochistic. For years, I have tried to tell my parents how I felt or what I thought, but they never heard me, or they never listened. They were too young and self-absorbed. As a young child, you tend to internalize this as not being important or having any value.
I’m now 60 years old, and I’m getting so much blame from my adult daughter. I feel like it’s BATTER UP!, all over again. First my parents, then my husband, and then my adult son. And now my daughter. No one, NO ONE participates in any counseling, so that means I’m there dealing with how to handle the fallout.
My reasoning of why I have a masochistic personality is because everyone seems to blame me. I am not perfect, I do make mistakes. But I’m trying to do my best to better myself and reprogram my childhood emotional neglected thinking. That’s why I’m back in counseling. To do better.
It’s hard to tell people how you feel when they don’t listen. And I’m sure I’ve stated, and restated, my feelings multiple times. But now, at age 60, when someone blames me for how my behaviors have affected their life, or why I am 120 lbs overweight, all I can do is cry. I’m so hurt that they fail to hear me and they fail to see their part in this dance that we do.
Yes, I internalize things greatly. I am an overachiever, and am overly responsible. I try to fix the wrongs in my life, and do better, going forward. But it seems that I keep playing the BATTER Up game, being the only who commits to therapy and looking inward for answers. I feel like the victim here, and I don’t mean to appear that way. I am just very frustrated.
I believe I’m an anxious masochist because others tend to blame me for the communication issues, and then they have nothing more to do with it. Just because I cry doesn’t mean I’m accepting full responsibility. Just because I cry doesn’t mean I’m weak. It simply means that I’m hurt, and I’m very tired of being sent back to square one, where I don’t belong here. I am far more intelligent, intuitive, AWARE, and brave than I give myself credit for.
I want to thank you again for this informative article!
I need more assertiveness I guess. How many times do I have to speak the broken record here? Evidently, until I get a different response to my pleas.
Dear Laurie. It takes a lot of courage to work on yourself, and you are doing just that. Crying is certainly not a sign of weakness. Nor is self-awareness. Your therapist probably discusses with you that you can’t change others. You can only change how you respond to others. So, do continue with the work on yourself. And maybe try to put down some boundaries to protect yourself emotionally in your relationship dynamics. Ultimately, remember that you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. Only your own. We wish you all the best.
After years of fighting the evil with in me that fuckwit version of me that made me weak and brittle. I finally found the word for my war. Thanks for the advise but im getting rid of this flaw alone.
Thank you for your comments in response to our blog post on masochistic personality. Good to hear that you’ve found a way to frame what’s going on for you. We wish you well in your process.
I’ve dealt with pain for most of my life and I started to realize I liked it during middle school. I hurt myself mentally and emotionally in secret but I don’t hurt myself physically, I just wait to get hurt on my own. I just found out that I might be a masochist and I’m scared because I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend before I try to take care of it or even tell anyone. I’ve tried a lot to help with my depression in the past and when I got help nothing worked. I’m scared to tell my parents about this and I don’t know what to do.
Hello Cat. Thanks for sharing your comments with us. You say you don’t want to tell anyone about this, and yet you are reaching out to us for help. Perhaps the time has come for you to seek professional support with a therapist who you can talk to, and who will hear you and not judge you or advise you. If you ever feel you need to talk to someone immediately, then the Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123.
If I suspect that I a masochist, but am in a situation where I don’t want family to know I am seeking therapy but have no way to afford it what should I do?
Thanks for your comment. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose masochistic personality disorder. If cost is an issue then we suggest seeing your GP in the first instance, and they will recommend next steps.
Hi for some reason I like hurting myself am I a masochist I don’t know why but I do…
Hi Lizzy. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose you with a mental health disorder. If you’re concerned that your behaviours are harming you then we suggest that you reach out for professional support.
I never even considered myself a masochist until I heard it from my therapist, and I was like, what?
What do you mean? I don’t get pleasure from pain. I dislike pain, but it’s in my behavior that shows me differently. I am extremely hard on myself. I am also codependent so I get lost in that. I was always told that children we’re to be seen and not heard and that if I couldn’t say anything nice, then I couldn’t say anything at all. That in itself has caused anger issue for my entire life and I still to this day from being a 3-5 yr old to a 53 yr old still struggle with anger issues, and when things dont go my way, I eat myself into a corner. I am the heaviest I have ever been and I’m ashamed, so then that triggers me to eat even more at times. It a long deprecating spiral of self defeat and how shocking to have learned this 2 days ago from my new counselor! Wow!
Hi Terri. Thanks for your comments in response to our blog post. Early life difficulties can manifest in all sorts of different ways, and it sounds as though you can lose yourself along the way. Good to hear you are in therapy, so you have a safe space to work through your issues. We wish you all the best.
Reading this has given me hope, for the longest time I thought I was wrong for feeling the way I do and being the way I am because growing up with narcissistic parents I was lead to believe that I was the problematic one. But this opened my eyes to a world of people just like me, and it shows me that I’m not the problematic one, I’m just different from those I love. However I’m proud to say that I have found answers through love, and through self therapy, both of which saved my life on multiple occasions. I thought I was hopeless and bound for death until love saved me from death and self therapy saved me from insanity, and this blog was exactly what I needed to stay strong and carry on being who I am with no apologies. Thank you, truly
Hello. Thank you for reading our blog and leaving your comments. We are pleased to hear that the content of the blog was helpful to you to continue to stay strong. It sounds as though you are doing a lot of work on yourself. We wish you well.
Can’t get help if you cant afford therapy. Can’t afford therapy because childhood trauma fucked your life to the point where you can’t be a functional adult.
The way I see it is rich people can afford to dig in their head for permanent solutions with trained professionals but if they can then is it really such a problem to begin with? It’s a luxury and at worst their trauma just means bad days in mid life. What about people like me who can barely maintain connection with another person let alone have thousands of dollars to throw away on a couch sitting and talking to some PhD? What about the people who are told to be worthy of love you have to change, your parents were right all along you’re not good enough and you have to change who you are and get therapy because youre just that fucked in the head that you’re unlovable until you do so?
I’m asking you for real. How do I reconcile the “limiting belief” of being unlovable when the unilateral response from the world is “you’re no good you need to change”? Wtf exactly is the point of the so called self love exercise when the very act of it is validating every hateful thing your parents “taught” you about yourself? Learn to accept myself for who I am and love myself? Great, but why is the environment so hostile towards me and demand that I change who I am and pretend as if I haven’t gone through anything? I’m hearing some conflicting messages here.
Hello, and thank you for taking the time to leave this comment. I hope you found the blog post helpful. I’m not sure if you are from the UK or not as you’ve used “dollars”, but in the UK you can access counselling and other forms of support for free via the NHS if you are not able to afford private therapy. Perhaps the first step would be to speak to your doctor and see what is available to you in your local area.
Regarding your question about the limiting belief of being unlovable, this is a very big question that I’m afraid I can’t answer over the internet. We aren’t in a position to be able to diagnose or offer a treatment plan. However, we would recommend speaking to your doctor, who can then point you in the right direction for support and treatment.