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My Family Cannot Accept That I Am Gay

My Family Cannot Accept That I Am Gay

I told my mum I was gay when I was 16 and her reaction was “Don’t tell your dad”. I was really surprised; I honestly thought she might already suspect and be fine with it. I told Dad a year later and, not knowing I’d already told Mum, he said ‘It’ll kill her”. For me; it was a relief to get things in the open, but for months afterwards, it was as if someone had died. I felt really guilty – no one wants to hurt their parents. But the worst reaction was my sister’s. She said it was disgusting. 

I am now 33 and living with my partner, I assume my parents are okay with this and like him, but we’ve not had a single conversation about it. My sister’s getting married this year, and there’s been no mention of my partner of three years being invited. My parents haven’t protested or even mentioned this. I don’t want to not go, but I feel disloyal to him, and to myself in a way, if I go without him. In the long term I think ‘what does it matter?’ But on the other hand I also think the tension between me and my family may never go. Calum, Borough

Michaela says

There is an anti-homophobia poster in many public places saying, “Some people are gay, get over it”. And, while attitudes have changed enormously since homosexuality was legalised in 1967, it seems some people can’t get over it. In a way, the very fact of having “to come out” is a proof of inequality because you only have to come out about something you think isn’t allowed, you don’t have to have “come out” with your heterosexuality. And it is still the case that people are assumed to be heterosexual until they tell you otherwise, and children still experience bullying at school for being different.

Sadly, and for many reasons, some families find it hard to adjust to a child or sibling coming out. So, again, sadly, what you say about the possibility that the tension between you and your family never going might be true. But, I guess, the question is: how do you regulate your emotions around this? Is there a way for you to be your true self and have the relationship you would like with them? The only way forwards is to talk to them. Whatever you can find out about this tension and what is behind it will be helpful. It might not be a clear-cut case of homophobia, but more that they have deeply ingrained cultural views, and perhaps fear that your life will be difficult because of how “difference” is handled by others. It could also be that they feel that to talk to you about it would be intrusive, so put them at ease about that. And ask them questions about how they feel, and enable them to ask questions about you and your life so that you can all get a better understanding of what the tension actually is and how it might be eased.

There is almost certainly not enough time to shift this before your sister’s wedding, but perhaps it could be the catalyst to introducing the idea that you would like them to be able to accept you, and you with your partner into the family. Or consider having some LGBT counselling where you can talk openly with someone without the fear of being seen as an outcast.

Good luck, and if this is affecting your self-esteem or mood, then consider looking up some LGBT+ support groups in your area. Contacting Switchboard, the LGBT+ Helpline  (0300 330 0630) or MindOut (01273 234839; [email protected]) would be a good start. Or consider having some LGBT+ specific counselling. At The Awareness Centre (020 8673 4545; [email protected] ) we have a team of therapists specialising in LGBT+ issues.

Michaela McCarthy
Michaela McCarthy is the Managing Director of TAC. She is a qualified and accredited Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and Addictions Specialist with more than 20 years’ experience.
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Baby Loss Awareness Week exists to help grow awareness and support for people who’ve lost a baby, as well as allowing grieving parents across the globe to commemorate their babies whose lives were heartbreakingly short. Many people who’ve lost a baby say they never truly get over it. Ever. A part of them will remain forever empty. Even future babies, if they come along, will never fill that gap. The loss of a baby can be devastating, whatever stage of pregnancy the couple are at – whether it’s a miscarriage (before 24 weeks), a stillbirth (after 24 weeks) or losing the baby during or after birth. Losing a baby at any stage is shocking and traumatic for the parents. A multitude of painful feelings can crowd in. Life may feel thin, sad, empty, pointless. If you know someone who’s lost a baby, it can be difficult to know what to do for the best. Nothing can take away their pain, though it might help you to understand the kind of things your friend or loved one is going through. What it’s like to live with baby loss • The parents have lost a person they thought they would spend the rest of their lives with. Not only have they lost a baby, they’ve lost the hopes and dreams of a cherished future. • It’s a bereavement that can feel just as raw as if the baby had grown up and lived a longer life. • There often isn’t much after-care in hospital, following the loss of a baby, and so the parents may be feeling abandoned and all at sea. • Some of the clinical terms used when a mother miscarries can be quite upsetting. These terms can feel depersonalising and hurtful, even though it’s just medical professionals doing their job. • Losing a baby can leave a mother feeling like a failure, as if she’s done something wrong. These feelings of guilt and self-doubt can sometimes develop into depression. • Grieving parents can feel very, very alone in their loss. No one truly understands the pain they’re going through. • They don’t want to take care of your reaction when they tell you what’s happened. Sometimes people can get so upset about the news that the bereaved parents end up taking care of the feelings of others. It’s not meant to work that way. • It can become unbearable to see other people pregnant or with babies – especially people close to them. What’s worse is people not telling them they’re pregnant, for fear of upsetting them. • The loss can sometimes affect the parents’ relationship as the partners struggle to come to terms with the loss individually and together. • Months and sometimes years down the line, they may still be mourning the baby they lost. How you can support someone through baby loss Acknowledge their loss. This is one of the toughest things for grieving parents: when people around them don’t know what to say, and so act as though nothing has happened. They want their loss to be acknowledged. Don’t let your awkwardness get in the way of that. Avoid clichés. Don’t just trot out the typical things people might say that they think will make the bereaved parents feel better – like, “oh, your baby is too good for earth and has gone to heaven,” or “well, you’ll be able to have another one soon”. That kind of phrase really doesn’t help. They want a human being in front of them who cares and who really doesn’t need to say anything – just be there. Let them talk. Losing a baby can be a lonely time. Your loved one may feel as though no one understands. Even if you don’t truly understand (and you won’t unless you’ve been through it yourself) be there with a sympathetic and caring ear. Keep your own emotions in check. They’re the ones suffering, not you. Don’t break down and make them the ones to look after you. They need your support. You can show your sadness. Of course. But you may need to be the strong one while they’re feeling vulnerable. Be sensitive to when they might need an ally. It can be hard to be around other people with babies and bumps when you’ve lost a baby. Tears can threaten at any point. Keep an eye out for when your loved one might need you to cover for them in a social gathering. Help create a socially acceptable excuse when they need a moment by themselves. Urge them to stay off social media. Facebook, Instagram etc – by their nature – showcase shiny happy people doing shiny happy things. Life events such as pregnancy and babies are often catalogued in minute detail. Especially in the early stages, it may feel healthier and safer for your friend or loved one who’s lost a baby to give social media a miss. Until they feel strong enough to engage again without breaking down. Keep an eye on their mental health. Painful emotions do pass, generally. Sometimes they don’t, especially if there are some underlying issues from earlier in life. A new loss can tap into earlier losses, with compound effect. If your friend of loved one is showing signs of tipping into depression then you may want to suggest they see a therapist who can support them through the darkness – until they’re ready to walk into the light again. For confidential support from one of our therapists, you can book an appointment by emailing appointments@theawarenesscentre.com or calling 020 8673 4545.

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