Being in a relationship with someone masochistic can be incredibly trying and frustrating. If all they want to do is beat themselves up – and anything positive you say or do is batted away or denied – then you can find yourself wondering why you bother.
Masochism is defined as a “pervasive tendency to engage in a wide range of self-defeating behaviour in one’s social, emotional or work life”. (Stephen M. Johnson). This article does not address sado-masochistic dynamics in a sexual context. It looks at the relationship implications of the social and personal aspects of having a personality that is fundamentally structured around defeating itself.
The roots of masochism are in early childhood, around the time when a toddler starts to show signs of independence. A domineering or over-controlling parent who needs to have things their way can turn these signs of independence into a battle of wills. There can only be one winner. Parents who consistently force their will onto a child leave the toddler with no option but to submit. The child has no way of fighting back. Giving in, submitting, becomes a behaviour the child needs to survive. Inside they might be raging and feel it’s unfair, but on the outside they have learned to show submission.
Over time – even when parents have stopped imposing their will and the child grows up – he or she can internalise the parents’ behaviour. They can continue to treat themselves in the same way as their parents did: with contempt and lack of respect for themselves as an individual.
If your partner has masochistic tendencies, they may:
- Be unable to tell you when they’re angry with you, and instead resort to passive-aggressive behaviours such as slamming doors, sighing, and making sarcastic comments. They may feel hurt but not able to put their truth into words for fear you’ll dismiss their feelings or – even worse – abandon them.
- Feel guilt or shame if they act or express themselves openly, and shut down soon afterwards for fear of negative repercussions.
- Work themselves to the bone in a bid to prove they’re good enough.
- Never feel truly loved – leaving you at a loss to know how to support them or show them love in a way they receive it.
- Allow their inner critic to dominate – as it becomes critical of self, you, and others in your life.
- Find it hard to say no.
- Refuse offers of help, preferring to make things harder on themselves.
- Complain and complain without believing anything will change – or taking action to change things positively.
- Be unable to enjoy themselves fully.
- Find it difficult to trust.
How to cope with a masochistic partner…
Be patient. Above all, patience is the virtue you need to be with a masochistic partner. Don’t sigh or tell them off for their self-defeating behaviours.
Don’t echo the parents’ behaviours in forcing your partner to take your point of view or do as you say. You’ll be falling into old patterns that will potentially reinforce your partner’s masochism.
Don’t give in to rage. You may begin to feel persecutory towards your partner when they are shrugging their shoulders and giving up on something again. An angry reaction will make them shrink into themselves and they may not come out for days.
Try to understand. Not always easy, but knowing the roots of their personality traits may help you develop more empathy towards them.
Don’t threaten to leave. A masochist fears abandonment more than anything. If they aren’t doing what you want them to do then allow them to express or act in that way. Support them in it.
Encourage open communication. There was never room in a masochist’s early life to have an opinion of their own. Speaking their truth was unheard of. A building block of your relationship is to encourage them to start to say what they truly feel and think – and know that they can survive that experience without punishment or repercussion.
If you or your partner are considering seeking professional support in coping with masochistic or self-defeating behaviours, then give us a call on 020 8673 4545 or email us on [email protected] We have sessions available seven days a week at our centres in Clapham SW4 and Tooting SW17.
12 Comments. Leave new
My 6 weeks marriage is coming to an end, My wife is suspecting that i am having an affair with her bestfriend, I cam home 3 days ago and she was gone. Phones are switched off and no trace of her. she dropped a note that I should bother looking for.
Hello. Thanks for getting in touch with us. We’re sorry to hear about your situation. However, we’re not sure what advice you were seeking from us at this stage? It sounds as though there are some deep issues that you need to work through as a couple. Do get in touch if you’d like therapeutic support for yourself and/or your relationship.
So I met this girl that says she’s masochistic and I’m cool with that sexually. I very been there in fuck buddy situations. I want to punish her, bind her, assert my dominance, do to her what I want. Thing is, I really like this woman and want to date her. What I need to learn more about is how to cope with her outside the realm of sexual desires. I have abandonment issues myself from adoption, like her. I smother her but feel that she doesn’t give me the attention I want in return. Am I being too much? Is attention not what she needs? Is this going to work long term?
Thanks for stopping by to comment. It sounds as though you have lots of questions about yourself and this relationship and whether you can both make it work. You may benefit from speaking to a therapist who works with attachment issues – and who can help you work with patterns and experiences from your past that may be impacting on your relationships today. Do get us in touch with us if you’d like us to match you with a therapist who can help.
Hi I have only just realised I am a masochist after my mum told me I am one. I was seeing a married man for four years and he finished it after he realised he couldn’t leave his wife. Then he tried to get me back and I went and then he did it again and again. I keep going back even though it’s killing me. Now it is over but I am distraught at being abandoned again. I was adopted at six weeks old and have never felt good enough. Could you give me advice x
Dear Barbara. You seem to be searching for something now that you didn’t have as a child, and you keep getting hurt over and over. It sounds as though you could benefit from being in therapy to explore your early life patterns that may be playing out right now. You may want to find a therapist who works psychodynamically and is qualified to work with issues around adoption. We wish you all the very best.
I am a 19-year-old woman and am both submissive and sexually masochistic by nature. My boyfriend is not a sadist, but he is dominant by nature. He is willing to tie my wrists tightly to the headboard of a bed, and then to have deep anal sex and/or deep vaginal sex with me. He has a penis that is 11 inches long when erect, so it is extremely painful for me, which gives me pleasure, and my moans of pain and pleasure ultimately give him satisfaction.
Hi Tina. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Our article was exploring the personality side of masochism rather than the sexual side. However, if you and your partner need support in understanding each other’s needs, or working on your relationship, then we have a psychosexual and relationship counselling service that can support you.
You’re asking some big questions, and we’re not sure we can offer some big answers. We’re not in a position to diagnose or offer a treatment plan. However, if you’re concerned about your thoughts and urges then do reach out for mental health support. We suggest speaking to your GP first, who can then refer you for diagnosis and treatment.
I am a 35 year old woman married for 7 years after decade of being together. I have a seven month old baby. I have recently been diagnosed with masochism aka the self defeating disorder. Post therapy I have come to realize I have been making choices that are leading me further and further from my true self to a point where now I don’t even know what I want anymore or what I am anymore. I have been married to a person who has an inflated sense of self and anger issues (he exhibits narcissistic tendencies).. when he is nice I forget why I wanted to leave but then the emotional abuse builds up around things he thinks I need to do for myself but I cant (or like my therapist said I resist doing them) I find it difficult to cope with him and have often wanted to leave… Now have a baby with him and I fear I may have completely cornered myself! I have been dragging my PhD (joining which was something he convinced me saying I have the brains for it) procrastinating work for years… ( I quit one program after some years and joined another) I don’t have a job (although I do have a supporting family) and would feel super guilty if I had to depend on my parents. I realized I have begun to fear my partner not physically but mentally. Is it possible that I am imagining things ( I have given up on thoughts of leaving in the past because this thought occurred to me) I am getting suicidal thoughts ( which builds guilt towards my child and my parents)… I am exhausted and just want to stop living to make the pain stop! I intermittently feel bad towards my partner for having to suffer me and … I am at a loss whether I am responsible for the way he is because I am suffering from this disorder or he actually has issues himself and it might be constructive to leave the relationship to work on myself in a safe environment ( he exacerbates my anxiety to peak levels and I never know where I am with him emotionally.)
Thanks for getting in touch. We’re sorry to hear that you are experiencing such distress. As you’re having suicidal thoughts, we suggest that you contact your GP straight away. The Samaritans can also offer crisis listening support on 116 123. It sounds important to take this first step to getting back to yourself, and this may involve making some important decisions along the way. We wish you all the best in finding that support.
Today was the first time I had ever heard this term used in a non-sexual meaning and it makes so much sense. I wish i was able to attend these meetings or receive guidance but unfortunately I’m in California and I don’t have insurance for this. Thank you for helping better understand myself.